Who the Hell Am I? – Identity Crisis Abroad

It was the year 2015. A dark period of time where I was forced to undergo significant personal change. I had been outed to my entire community, lost my job, and moved to a new state with my significant other. Every aspect of my belief system was challenged, and I felt like a baby learning to crawl. The Emily of that time was alone, confused and full of shame. Let’s be real. 2015 Emily experienced her first identity crisis. However, I don’t believe my situation is unique, as there are many events that could trigger an identity crisis like beginning or ending a serious relationship, changing careers, or turning a milestone age to name a few. In my case, the choice to move abroad 9 years later triggered an identity crisis once again. I will do my best to share my thoughts in hopes that it will help others, regardless of if you’re living at home or abroad.

Why does identity crisis abroad feel different?

About a month ago, I helped a friend move into her new apartment. Besides moving her belongings, I also offered to help with some “handyman” work she needed done. I was already familiar with the “joys of homeownership” and had learned to do most home repairs and renovations myself with the help of good ole’ YouTube. However, this simple task turned into a challenge. Water systems are built differently, and parts had different names. At the end of it all, I felt helpless and useless. My home do-it-yourself skills could not be applied, and I realized this feeling was happening to me on a very regular basis. 

I think that’s why experiencing identity crisis abroad feels so magnified and “in your face.” Aside from my skills and knowledge being made irrelevant, I also realized the following:

• I am often emotionally overwhelmed. For someone who is usually level-headed, sometimes I am surprised by my intense reactions to interactions or situations.

• I’m more dependent on people to an excruciating degree. For a hyper-independent person, this makes me highly uncomfortable.

• I’m exposed to a new culture and mindset. To adapt to it, I have to challenge my current belief systems.

What should I do now?

The topic of identify formation is vast, and I am certainly no expert. From what I learned, exploration and commitment are key stages in forming one’s own identity. If you’re like me and going through something similar, we probably share the feeling of being “stuck.” You might be asking yourself questions like “who am I?” or “Is this really what I want?” It’s extremely uncomfortable to feel “stuck,” but I believe this is exactly where the magic happens. I know that if I really want to be unstuck, I need to explore and commit. 

Exploring means taking action, a combination of challenging the status quo while also listening to my heart and my intuition. I need to identify what’s important to me, what I agree/disagree with, and seeing how my skills can be incorporated in this new environment. Writing lists helps me tremendously here.

My lists guide my choices. This is where the commitment piece comes in. I’m happy to report that I’ve gained some stability by grounding myself in the decisions I’ve made based on my lists and then committing to that. I’m far from completion, but I’m trusting that if I continue this process, I’ll eventually reach the point of “I know who I am and what I represent” once again.

Some friendly reminders and words of advice

It’s totally okay to feel stuck. It’s a part of the journey that can feel back-brakingly hard and extremely terrifying. I urge you to stick with it. Don’t quit and take the easy way by becoming complacent or copying other people’s beliefs (which most people do unfortunately). Lose everything if you have to and start fresh. I believe that this is absolutely necessary if you want to gain true independence and autonomy, let alone form healthy, mature relationships. Remember my dear reader, you are never alone and if you’re brave enough to seek support, you will find that it is everywhere.